Thursday, May 21, 2015

The Hubby Chronicles

*Authors Note: *
This is not a true story. I'm single and not married. This is just a bit of creative writing.
Apparently from what someone said on the Bubblews website I have a twisted imagination. OK so he didn't use those words, but I know how to read between the lines!
His exact words were and I quote "ewww! I hope your future partner doesn't get scared off when they read the sort of stuff that goes on in your imagination."
Hmm maybe it was the itching powder in the dolls mouth... I dunno! :D

#1 : Hubby's wild night
Last night was my hubby's card night... now usually on card game night, I take a few knock out pills and lock the bed room door this way to ensure that there are no drunk fools sneaking into my bed while I'm sprawled out unconscious. Mind you that could be fun, but I prefer to enjoy sex, not to sleep through it.
I went into the guestroom and found my "wonderful" husband of 5 years sprawled out across the bed, under his arm was a blonde haired blow up doll named Lizzie, now where she came from I have no clue.. not sure I really want to know to be honest. I don't recall hearing about any late night visitors arriving.
There were empty pizza boxes and beer bottles scattered across the floor along with a video camera set up in the corner. I popped the video card out and pocketed it... this could help me with that divorce I've been thinking of.
Laying on the floor among the bottles and boxes was hubby's best friend Jed who was curled up with a male blow up doll... I always knew there was something weird about him, this very sight verifies it all.
I took pictures of them both with their blow up mates and immediately posted them on Facebook as well as Twitter for all of their friends to see. I smiled at the thought of the ribbing they will be getting from their construction buddies in a few hours.
#2 : Hubby's Rough Morning
I decided to go to lunch with my friend Cassie that afternoon, we had just sat down at the table when my phone rang. It was the toilet flushing, my hubby's ringtone. "Yes, Arthur?"
After a bit of stammering and stuttering he finally got the words out. "Did you by any chance take the disc out of the video recorder this morning?"
I smiled and reached into the side pocket of my purse and pulled it out. "Oh yes I did I'm at your parent's house, were going to watch it together."
"NO don't watch it.. I will give you anything you want if you don't watch it with them.. c'mon babe that's my mother and I don't want her to.. come home and we'll talk."
"My dear Arthur, on the table is an envelope, open it and sign those papers and your mother will never see this video.."
I heard the shuffling of papers and a groan.. "Divorce papers.. Really??"
"Yes now sign them and I won't show your mother." Cassie pulled out her laptop, plugged it and inserted the disc. Using one of her software tools she was able to download it onto her laptop.
"Your taking everything.. even MY dog!!" I could feel his anger building and smiled, "not everything darling. I've put the things you can keep in the duffle bag in the garage with the tools. I'll unlock the garage for you when I get home."
An hour later I pulled into the driveway to find him sitting in his car stewing. He handed me the papers and I unlocked the garage and pulled out the duffle bag, handed it to him and watched him stalk to his car.
I waved as he drove away and smiled. I had deflated Lizzie, filled her mouth with itching powder and her nether regions were super glued shut. He should have a good night tonight with his new girlfriend.

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